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Par2: Only a guy would do this -- the pocket taser 2006-04-12 -- A.N. Other Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great little gift for the wife. The following was submitted by a guy who
purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something special for my wife, Toni. What I came
across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse effect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the
darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little triple-A batteries... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) but thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
myself, "No possible waaay!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it
Master." Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . HOLY MOTHER .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be
considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like h...l!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, since time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
Today is November 23, 2024, 3:41 am This article has been viewed 35244 times.
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