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Back to article list Search Articles Add Comment Printer friendly Direct link Par2: RTMP 2000-02-16 -- Lynn Howard RTMP - Read the manual Please
This was recently distributed on TECHWR-L, a mail list for Technical
Writers and copied from the Control group. I once unpacked a SCSI drive
shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana, and it arrived with this article in the
packaging. No kidding!
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers.
Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CARE-FULLY BEFORE YOU
UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN
AND
TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT
ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE
SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
getting back "defective" merchandize where it turns out that the consumer
inadvertent-ly bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these
instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with
dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about: 1.
UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the
Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE
SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of
engagement, and her fiancée, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing
out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim
Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not
without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
THE
PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
one
single pea-nut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner
exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should also contain: * Eight little
rectangular
snippets of paper that say WARNING" * A little plastic packet containing
four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that
can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE The plug on this device represents the latest
thinking of the electrical Industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
contin-uing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
then the Plug where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is
equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small
Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet,
but
out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS
THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRAN-SLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
RECEIV-ABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the
(something) earth section may cause a large occur-rence! However. If this is
not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly
(something) viewpoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all
those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects,
failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon
shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to
the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their
caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This
warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
HAS
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE
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